Grief Observed, and Pollyanna Positivism

This year has been quite a journey, mostly full of what you might call "grief sandwiches," in which upsetting turnarounds layer themselves with bright spots of joy and victories small and large. In the midst of this, I've felt a lot of pressure to only write hopeful messages here, especially since so many people I know are going through some rough times. Maybe that's why I have been silent so often over the past few months. I mean, who wants to read a depressing blog, anyway?

But really, I can't always be Pollyanna. There comes a time when grief needs to be brought out into the open, so that mourners know that it's okay to be sad, and that God doesn't despise them for their tears.

Society, and even many Christians, stigmatize grief. Those who have suffered a loss are supposed to wave the magic wand of the Bible (or self-actualization, or whatever) at the situation, and never hurt or cry about it again. If they do, it must mean that they are weak.

So people eat their grief and confusion and guilt, or binge and starve themselves, or surgically alter themselves, or engage in cutting, or become secret alcoholics, or spend their life savings on clothes and possessions, just to try to manage the turbulent emotional storm on the inside. All the while, they are presenting a falsely positive front to the critical world (at least until the mask cracks under the pressure). Essentially, they are punishing themselves because other people have been mean to them!

But Christ Himself said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted," (Matthew 5:4 NIV).

And it is written, "My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise," (Psalm 51: 17 NIV).

And finally, there is the prophecy concerning Christ, in Isaiah 61: 1-3 NIV:

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

What is the message? That tears over an impossible grief are not shameful to God. He will not call us weak if we cry, or fly into a rage if we confess to Him that in all honesty we can't handle this situation on our own any longer. God does not expect us to be superhuman automatons who ask nothing and feel nothing, and who can bench press overwhelming trouble with one hand tied behind our backs.

God is the only superhuman! He can handle it, but He doesn't expect us to. God doesn't want us to heal ourselves. In fact, He would rather we acknowledge our enemies (whoever or whatever they are), take ownership for our weakness and frailty, and welcome the healing His capable hands have offered. When we acknowledge that we are His sheep--His needy, bleeding, crying, hungry, frail, imperfect, impractical, stumbling sheep--and trust in the capable arms of our Shepherd--our honest, trustworthy, dependable, heroic, creative, loving, generous, patient, long-suffering, sacrificial Shepherd--we are on the road to healing.

Why am I still talking about this? I have some friends who are presently facing the fact that the envisioned perfect, happily-ever-after outcome to their problems is not coming, and though my heart bleeds for them, I don't have any words of great comfort for their situation. I can't make the impossible, terrible thing not happen, since it already did. I am not superhuman either, you see.

I do know that God can bring comfort, even when words and efforts fail, and I'll keep repeating that even when no one asked me! He never promised us only happy endings (I mean, the end of the world in the Bible isn't exactly what I would call a happy ending for this planet!), but He did promise us that He would be there with us and that He would heal our wounds.

Go back and read those promises over again if you haven't committed them to heart yet. What did Christ say about grief? What did He say about how He deals with grief? What can we infer about how we are to deal with grief? It seems that if we want to recover from the impossible, we can only do it through His impossible strength, His other strength, not our own strength, not through self-abuse and self-medication, or from going to any other source for comfort.

How do you give your grief over to God? It's as simple as getting alone and just telling Him about it, out loud (that's why I said to get alone, so you don't have to feel self-conscious). I said out loud, not because there's a rule for that, but because it seems to help to not carry it inside any more. You have God's ear, so what are you waiting for? I can't tell you everything He will say, but I know that it will begin with, "I love you...I see your heart...I know your pain...I'll make it alright...trust Me."

Don't Just Hang in There...Hang on to God

This month has been overwhelming at times, full of emotional highs and lows of a great variety. I predicted it would be a kind of wild ride, and I was right. It is hard to try to form all of that into meaningful words for my readers, so I think I'll just stick to one lesson I have learned (or perhaps, have relearned) this month.

It started with a radio show I tuned in to on my drive home from a training session at my new job. The DJ was sharing how God does not require us to "tough it out" when things in our lives completely knock us off balance, but rather, God often emphasizes how He wants us to lean on Him in the hard times.

The DJ specifically spoke out against a common misquote of 1 Corinthians 4: 13. This verse says, "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." He (and I) had heard this verse quoted without the mention of temptation, as a way of saying, "God won't give you anything you can't handle in this life, so if you are buckling under the load, toughen up."

It is Okay to Be Broken Before God

But anyone who has ever lost a loved one, or been diagnosed with a terminal illness, or discovered that their spouse was cheating on them, or maybe has just been suffering from extreme stress due to a crowded schedule, may have reason to say that this teaching is a bunch of malarkey.  You know what? It really is.

Sometimes things come along that we can't handle. It's not that we don't try to--no one likes to feel weak or broken--but sometimes, it is just beyond our ability to endure. Why is this such a novel thought? There is nothing in the Bible that says that only tough, superhuman people need apply for the position of Christ follower!  In fact, we serve a God who meets us in our weakness instead of only supporting us in our strengths (Psalm 73: 21-28), and who teaches us and comforts us to make us strong, rather than expecting instant perfection and nerves of steel (2 Corinthians 12:9; Proverbs 3: 5-6). It is okay with our God if we admit defeat and ask Him to intervene on our behalf or to give us peace and reassurance (1 Peter 5: 6;  Isaiah 37).  It is okay with Him if we hand our problem over to Him and let Him take over the worrying and the grief for awhile, while we try to get some sleep, or make dinner, or finish our homework (1 Peter 5: 7).

In fact, He volunteered for the job!  He volunteered because He loves us and feels compassion for us.

The bottom line is that we aren't supposed to "stick it out," because in doing that, we are holding ourselves up by our own strength, which is very limited, instead of leaning on God's infinite strength. God is actually the only one in control. He is the only one who can bring healing, the only one who can give guidance about the future, the only one who can bring peace, and the only one who can lead us out of the dire situations in which we find ourselves. It is folly to try to "be strong," but great wisdom to be broken before God, so that He can heal us.  In fact, He promised to heal us, so we should go to Him today.

When God Thunders from Heaven, Everything Changes

The past few months have been strange ones...come to think of it, 2013 as a whole has been full of unexpected changes. Sometimes those changes were bittersweet. My friendship circle was rearranged as people have moved away and others have been added to my life; my neighborhood was rearranged by a devastating tornado that hit my hometown; my daily routine was rearranged by the sudden departure of my beloved dog at the beginning of the year; and my plans for the future of my novel trilogy project have been temporarily stalled out after several rejections (but, as the famous line goes, I have not yet begun to fight).

Add to that the part-time job I'm starting tomorrow and I think you get the picture. It has been a dizzying sort of year for me. Frankly, I don't know if I've reached the end of the roller-coaster ride at this point or if it's still climbing one last big slope. What I do know is that God is somehow at the helm of all of this.

I can't help but reread my prophetic words in my very first post of the year with a little wistfulness: "The new year is going to be a time of completion, of finishing projects I've begun, of following through and turning plans into action, particularly the plans God has for my life. Believe me, I have a lot of things to get done this year."

I see clearly now that what I had in mind when I penned those words was far too small.  I knew that where I was then, from a spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial standpoint, was not a place where I could linger and thrive, and I had asked God for some help. Still, somehow, I was only thinking of washing the windows and adding a new coat of paint and maybe some hedges, while God was rolling back clouds, moving mountains, and picking up the chainsaw and the sledgehammer.

I'm not complaining, although I felt like it at first. What is now taking shape is something beautiful, with space to grow and live, and a new horizon, with many of the old threats and fears removed from their shadowy nooks where they had bothered me for years. Sure, there is loss, and I have accepted that, but as David wrote in the Psalms, "He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me," (Psalm 18: 19 NIV).

David was, of course, talking about the field of war and prophetically speaking from Christ's perspective, but the point still works for this part of my life, and perhaps for my readers, too. When a Christian asks God for rescue (no matter what variety of trouble he or she is dealing with at the time), God moves to respond, with fury and seriousness, either tossing aside obstacles or ripping us out of them. It can be a stunning process, but it's still what we needed.

Leading up to verse 19 in Psalms 18 (which you really must read in its entirety), we see just how seriously God takes the call. From the moment He hears our request, His reactions range from getting furiously angry on our behalf (verses 7 and 8), to "part[ing] the heavens and c[oming] down," (verse 9), to "thunder[ing] from Heaven," that is, shouting (verse 13), and many other definite actions. The bottom line is that God takes it very seriously and acts immediately (even if we can't see everything He is doing) when we say, "Something has to change. I need help!"

I believe what I've been describing as "2013 so far" is the clouds parting and the earth shaking as God moves me somewhere, out of the familiar (but rather unlivable) circumstances and into something I know will be better. Maybe that strikes a chord with someone out there. Sure, change can hurt, but I still believe it is for the best. It's too soon to tell where I'm going, but I believe God is there, and I take comfort in that.

Question: Have you seen God changing things in your life recently? Can you find the good in your new circumstances? I welcome you to share your thoughts below.